Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
