The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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