the new term for farting is butt boxing.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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