My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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