you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
