hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
im holly from the hills drunk
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
