Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
