So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
