hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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