hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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