The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Randomize
