I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
