I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
