I bet he comes in French.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
this is an emotional support booty call
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
