i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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