I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
