After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
