It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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