im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
