the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
