can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
He shit in the fireplace
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
