So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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