He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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