I'm going to jail i love you
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
