I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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