Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
