Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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