i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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