rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
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