He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
