but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
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