Will you blow on my dice?
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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