Taylor Swift is so right about you.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
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The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
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I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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