Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
