Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
