dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
