Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
