Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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