My hand turned me down
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
