in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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