Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
