I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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