is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
my being single is dangerous.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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