I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
