You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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