I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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