im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
