Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
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