My friends, they love my intelligence
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
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