smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
