literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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