When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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