Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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