i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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